Thursday, March 26, 2009

Finding Weight!

Some one asked me recently about losing weight and honestly- I'M MUCH BETTER AT FINDING IT!!!

So that's what I thought I'd post about today! If you are looking for some ways to FIND weight, I CAN HELP YOU!

Now, some of these I've just heard about but there's lots that I can tell you WILL WORK, from personal experience! (*and please feel free to share any of your findings!)

Okay, so here goes; how to FIND weight:

-eat lots and lots of pre-packaged very processed food
-consume large amounts of white sugar and white flour with large amounts of fats (talk about sticking to your ribs!)
-watch soap operas...or anything else, alllll day long
-DO NOT exercise- ever!
-keep lots of snacks and junk foods in the house "for the kids" -wink-
-be sure to eat store-bought ice cream-everyday!
-eat out at fast food restaurants often and, the faster the better!
-deep fry as much food as possible- there's a video on youtube of a battered and deep-fried Big Mac that my DH says he'd love to try!
-drink lots of soda pop, especially the diet kind
-NEVER EVER drink water-whew- that'd be crazy
-Absolutely NO whole grains- that fiber just might pull some fat out of your system and we cannot have that, no-no
-(this is my personal favorite tip for finding weight) eat more Chocolate (notice that is a big C- Chocolate deserves lots of attention particularly the ones rich with caramel and the like)
-spend more time praying about your weight! The more time you spend on your knees, the less calories you are burning (but it is a deterrent from REAL spiritual development.)
-do not play with your children- do you know how many calories that could burn?!!
-be a Reader of the Word and not a Doer (just sit around reading, don't get up and get spiritual)
(do I sound a little like the Screwtape Letters here?)
-make the others in your home do all the work! You can't find weight by getting up and looking for stuff!
-do not walk any pets!
-(this is another one that I guarantee work!) Do not keep up with how much food that you eat! Eat off the kids plates, straight out of the pot, and lick all bowls as you go! You are CERTAIN to find extra weight this way and you won't even know HOW you did it!
-Whenever you cook something, be sure to eat 2 servings right away! Eat one as you 'sample' what you've made; THEN get an EXTRA serving when you give everyone else some! See how clever!
- Don't ever eat fruits and veggies if you can help it unless they are super processed and smothered in lots of things that will pack on pounds! Like uhhhh, poptarts! Yeah, I think those would be good. Huh? It's not real fruit? Oh, well, -then that's all the better!
-Every time ANY ONE in your house has a snack- you have one too! That includes the nursing baby- hey when he nurses- grab a donut or an entire bag of Doritos!
-Don't make ANYTHING from scratch- you might miss some pound-packing ingredients!
-Talk on the phone- A LOT. You don't burn much calories this way and you can munch while your friends talk and talk! And the more gossip that you listen to- the more you'll have to tell the next person which means you can be on the phone even longer; just sittin' around!
-Don't go near an exercise machine of any kind. Huh? What's that you say? You haven't even been on it in a year? Listen, you need to just get rid of it because you could actually be tempted to use it!
-Consider more schooling. You could get by with sitting around doing a lot of "studying". But don't even think about using the education that you get, unless of course it is a sit down job.
-Always make room for seconds. You are sure to find extra pounds this way. And the more you train your tummy to this, the better he'll get at it and if you work reallll hard, you could possibly make it up to thirds! Woo hoo!
-Don't even think about joining a gym or fitness center. And make sure that all the do-gooders around you know that you are NOT interested in such places.
-Stay focused because you often will get to a place, after you've found several pounds, where you develop health issues that might assist you in finding more weight. Yes!
-Always clean your plate like your mama told you! (How many times did she have to say it?!)
-Try to get to know 'Giant Despair'! Nothing like a good case of good ole depression and feeling sorry for yourself, to get you to eatin'! Comfort food will do the trick, and lots of it!
-If you are a female, be sure to have a few babies and get fat as a cow when you are pregnant. Some of the weight may come back off but it is an excellent time to pack on a few pounds.
-I know this one is a little wack but hear me out. Consider going without a shower for longer periods of time. This would serve several purposes. But it would help keep you feeling more uhmm, couch-y!
-Make sure you surround yourself with a BUNCH of tender-hearted people during this stage, as they will be sure to tell you how GREAT you look!
-Along the lines of the above, consider wearing pajamas all day long or at least big and baggy clothes. You don't want them to feel tight, you might eat less! OH and, buy even bigger clothes the next time you go shopping- gives you more of an incentive to 'grow into them'!
-And lastly, make deserts for every meal and by all means, make enough to eat between meals too!

And that my dears, wraps up my tips for FINDING WEIGHT!
Please feel free to add things to my list as I'm sure I've forgotten some!
Click here for more FRUGAL FRIDAYS!


Laura said...

This is a great post - love the advise!!!

Organized Nutrition said...

Ah, I am good at finding weigh, but not though those means.... LOL! EXCEPT for the get prego a few times over and gain lots of weigh... I did do that well!
I love the humor in this post, even though it is so true in many aspects... SAD :-(

Della said...

I Loved This! I am in the heat of the battle (on a diet) and I needed this gentle sarcastic humor. I chuckled more than once.

Brooke said...

forgive me if i don't take you up on it ;)

i'm trying to get away from cokes and its amazing little more simple than i thought - i just don't put them in the fridge!!

Sherry said...

LOL! Too funny!

Marnie said...

Too funny, the older I get the easier time I have finding weight too. I keep trying to lose the thing behind me...but it keeps on following me around. :-)

~Sara said...

This is so funny! Great post!

Donna said...

Thanks for sharing in my fun!

We are all in this together ladies!
It's tough!

But, let's always take time to have a good laugh! As long as we are laughing, we can keep from despairing! :-)

And a big WAY TO GO to Laura!
She's lost 70 pounds in 6 months!
Laura- none of this applies to you today! You've done a most excellent job!