Sunday, March 1, 2009

Dealing with Divorce Part 3

REAL SIMPLE: Don't talk to your ex.

I know, I know...the courts tell you that you have to. The judge will too. They will make you go to "parenting classes" and they will tell you to talk with your ex too.

It is complete insanity to think that the two of you can SUDDENLY get along!

Now, if you can...okay. If you both can be rational, okay.

But most of the time, that is NOT possible on one side or the other AND NOT TO MENTION- you just paid a lot of money to get AWAY from that person because you didn't WANT to talk to them anymore! Right?

now I know there's child support...but you have the courts to handle this. There's even Child Support Services if you can't afford your own attorney. There's sports and/or school... SEND A NOTE! The teacher does to you, right? Send it to them! How hard is that?

Anything else, mail a letter. Not even an email because that can give place for stupid banter back and forth. Just mail them, and time it to where the kids won't be there in case it is a touchy subject.

Be a grown up and stop fussing over the past. Deal with the current issue in a matter of fact tone in a letter.

Example: Little Jimmy needs an extra pair of shoes for a wedding. I cannot afford to buy another pair right now since I bought him tennis shoes last week. Could you buy them for him?
He wears size 3.
That 's it.


Little Jimmy had to see the doctor on Wednesday and they gave him an antibiotic. It needs to be refrigerated and he is supposed to have it 3 times a day with meals. He had a fever but hasn't ran one in two days. If his temperature goes back up, I would need to get him back to the doctor.
That's it.

You send notes in the mail or in an envelope on their suitcase. (If you have babies, that will complicate things and there may have to be more communication. But if your kids can talk, then they are the ones who are still related to this person, not you.)

Don't be silly about it, just matter of fact. Be quick. Be short. Be unemotional in all dealings with your ex. If they become emotional, hang up, leave, just get away from it.

If they refuse to be rational and you have to deal with them on the phone, tell them you are recording the message to use next time in court- AND DO IT! You stay calm. Do not engage in the fight. Just say, I won't tolerate your abuse, and hang up.

Write them a letter, mail it, let them know that you will not tolerate abuse nor will you expose the children to any 'episodes'. You will be peaceful and quiet. Then explain how you will exchange the kids.

If the kids are old enough, pull right beside the car in a public parking lot, and let the child take his bag to the car. If not, ask them to have the door open and you will set the child in their car with his bag, but that you will not discuss anything in that process. And refuse to! Any advance towards a violent situation should be reported immediately. But do all you can to keep things completely peaceful for your children.

If they approach you in a threatening manner, hold your cell phone and call for emergency service.

Listen, do you really think that they are going to take you to court for "not talking to them" if you have a stack of phone recordings and police documentation of violent outbursts? Now, on the other hand, don't be silly! Don't overreact. If they start about something, just say, I'll write or; we can discuss this at another time, and let them know you are in a hurry.

And don't be foolish about current issues. If your ex is spending on stupid stuff and not paying you like they are supposed to...HANDLE IT IN COURT! Their frivolous spending is NONE of your business....not paying child support is a legal matter that you can do something about.

If your ex is taking the child support and spending it foolishly, you still put your child first! And you must be a grown up and look at what the support is allotted for. Its payment for the entire upkeep of the children. It helps pay rent, light bills, water bills, etc. And if you have a mother that you are paying child support to who is still trying to stay home to raise your child, have the sense that God gave a goose and realize that is best for your child! The more normal that his/her life can remain, the better your child will deal with this new situation!

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